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Biography Part 2: The Middle


January 2021

A new start!

   Before I get into the now, let's recap 2020: I welcomed the year in Texas after relocating the summer of 2019. It was a productive welcoming, because I strategically wrote down all of my goals and aspirations and then went to bed at 9pm to be refreshed on the new year (2020). One of my main goals was weight loss. February hit and things were looking good. I enrolled my kids into gymnastics class plus I was doing really well with consistently producing content. 

   By March, we were faced with Covid-19. Actually, you were too, the entire world was. Initially, I didn't think it would phase my life or what I had going on. In April, we began feeling the effects of Covid-19. We were under quarantine because of Stay At Home Orders. I unenrolled the kids out of gymnastics, and produced less content. My main focus was staying on top of the Pandemic situation. I prioritized health, food & shelter, over anything. May, things were chaotic. A lot of decisions I needed to make were based off of planning Pre-Covid. Life was different now, and I had no clue what to do. This period in my life was a huge eye opener. I'm fairly young, so the people I assumed I could rely on for guidance: (government, spiritual leaders, family, media, etc) showed their true colors. I realized that NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE DOING. Everybody assumes they know what they are doing in life or what to do. But they don't. 

   June rolled around and I began accepting Covid-19 life. I created a new plan of action and worked on that. But it was shortly lived after becoming distracted by world events (yet again) with the George Floyd murder. I had never seen anything like that in my life and it sickened me. Like, I actually threw up after watching the video. After doing my part to raise awareness and help, I noticed that the movement was taking a different direction. I decided to create my own organization for a cause close to my heart, Hathor's Angels. July and August were uneventful. Aside from celebrating my daughter's birthday, I can't recall any significance. 

   September was a game changer. I spent the whole month on tour with the Viva La Life Podcast. It changed my life because the experience I gained gave me the confidence boost I needed. Check out those episodes because I hosted the show in a different state for each day. Listen Here. I had plans to stay on the East Coast for a few months but decided to spend that time in LA instead. I missed home and Houston was having too many hurricane watches for my taste. 

   In October, I came back to LA. I took most of that time to rest because I had been neglecting my body for the entire year and my health was lacking. November was a wreck, everything was a mess. I hate talking about it but for the sake of this being an open and honest place, I'll spill. My marriage ended and I started a new life on my own. December came and things were feeling better. This period of time I got to see who my true circle of people were and that's who I welcomed the New Year with.

   That brings me to, today! My mind is blown actually. I'm in a really good space. Finally. And that's not because of anything material, it's because I've finally achieved what I was striving for.

   This is Part 2....because now that I have manifested my dream life, what am I going to do with it?

Chapter 1

January 21,  2021

It's Aquarius season and I am recharged!!!

   For starters I just spent the past 3 days alone. I rested, planned, and self-cared. Self-care is so important. It's the difference between life and death. I learned so much last year that I've been in a daze just processing it all and applying it. Life is easier. I've changed my look up a bit. I plan to change more as the year rolls around. I want an organic change not a makeover!

   I rebranded. What's new? I'm not gonna go into much detail on why, just know that it's done. That brings me to my goals this year. This is the "Now That I Know Better, Do Better" year so my biggest goal is to relax. I've mastered lots of skills last year, so now I want to shift out of learning mode into application mode. It's nerve wrecking being in charge of your own ship but it's so much more liberating! Plus nobody knows what they're doing anyways, so might have as well do things your way.

   In history, Biden is now president. I'm indifferent. I just hope the people are happy with what they wanted so bad. I give it 4 months before everyone is unhappy with him, like they are with everyone else. It's all a joke, respectfully.

   In business, well, I've already mentioned that I rebranded. So lots of changes are going to be made this year, I'm sure you'll notice. That's about it for now. 

Chapter 2

March 17,  2021

Pisces season!! 

Ok, so, I'm coming out of a depression and into my Boss Babe mode. I know in the last entry, I was in SUCH A GOOD MOOD. Lol, such a kid! I'm not her anymore. Pisces season triggered my abandonment issues. Lets talk about it:

So at 5 or 6 years old, my dad was killed. The adults around me never told me anything except that "Your dad died". No details. No conversation. Nothing. I remember when he was dying, he was in ICU for days, and they wouldn't let me see him. I remember thinking as a kid, that I just needed to see him again....ONE MORE TIME. But nope, the adults said that he had so many tubes and I wouldn't recognize him...blah blah blah. I believe it was my Aunt that came up with the idea that if I sing songs on a tape recorder, then, it will wake my dad out of the coma. Idk if she genuinely believed that or if she was talking out of her ass but I sung my heart out and he still died, so......

If I'm honest, and I just realized this, I've been carrying resentment towards every adult involved up until this day. Like, I don't like any of them! Not my mom, not my dad's sister, not my grandma, not my mom's sister. I put up with them because they act like needy Baby Mamas. I just want my space.

After that incident my life changed dramatically. My aunt and grandma moved in with us. It was horrible. I'm sure there were good times but my mom and aunt argued a lot and I don't remember them. My grandma was a bully and selfish (Sag). My aunt was colorist and critical (toxic Virgo). My mom was emotionally and physically unavailable (Scorpio). Nobody seemed to care about me. On top of all that, I was still going through a lot. 

For the longest time, I thought my dad was still alive, and that he just ran away because he hated the women in my family as much as I did. (I'm sorry if any of you are reading this, but it's the truth.) So, I'm around 8 years old now and every time I went in public places (mall, park, stores, etc) I would look for my dad. I thought that, if I found him, maybe, I could live with him. 

At 10 years old, I finally came to the conclusion that he is dead. For real, for real. That was also the year that I decided: I hate myself and that I was fat. I struggled with an eating disorder from then until I was pregnant with my first kid in 2016 (wow, 2001-2016 of dealing with body dysmorphia and ED!). At 10, I tried being vocal about my depression. I didn't know about depression then. I just knew that I cried everyday and when I wasn't crying I was trying to keep from crying. Every time I mentioned to someone that I was sad, they would say: I have nothing to be sad about or to read the bible. Eventually, I assumed that I was being overdramatic and that I needed to forget all about my dad. 

School was the worst! It was hard to focus when I was still traumatized. I learned to teach myself because I would space out all day during class. In middle school, I found happiness in band, art class, sports, and friends. That was short lived because I grew up a Jehovah's Witness, and, my mom didn't want me around "wordly people" unnecessarily so: no more friends, no more band, and no more afterschool sports. I could only hang out with the Jehovah kids but they were so corny and lame that I just couldn't do it anymore. So I stayed alone, all the time.

My mom worked A LOT. But, obviously she's a single mom with 2 kids....she had to. I resented it though. I spent hours alone with the TV or Radio. Most times I would wait afterschool for up to 4 hours after it was over, for her to pick me up. The staff would always ask, "what's going on" but, I would lie and say "Oh, she's on the way, I just talked to her" or I would hide around the corner so they didn't see me. The hugest slap in the face would be her saying, "Sorry, I forgot!". I would be ready to KILL HER. Like, how dare you forget me!!! I don't think she knows but overtime I learned to never depend on her. Sometimes, I would walk home which was terrifying. I hated it because the older men would harass me. I was a kid, and felt humiliated. Eventually, I joined carpool, but, that was worse because one of the moms belittled me every chance she got.

So here is where my abandonment issues come in. I lost the ONLY person I've ever loved in this world and the people who were suppose to be my support system let me down. I internalized it, thinking: something must be wrong with me. So I lived life feeling inferior. When people mistreated me, I felt I deserved it. I never asked for anything because I was afraid of being "annoying".  And, I kept to myself because I felt nobody liked me or wanted me around. I lived like this for over 20 years.

My marriage ending triggered ALL of those emotions. I didn't realize it at first because I was so busy working and trying to keep it together. So that's what I've been processing. 

What now? Now, I work on loving again!