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Biography Days:

Part 1: The Beginning

A series of biographical entries

Day 1

August 26, 2019

Guess what? I'm going on a fast for spiritual reasons. The food I put into my body is trash resulting in trash manifestations and a trash mental/body. The goal is to fast during Virgo season (yes, I'm 3 days late). Virgo rules the Body Parts: Stomach, waist, and digestive system. The energy is all about control, purification, and organization, all of which I'm seeking to accomplish.


So here I am 12 hours into my fast and I'm chill. I've fasted many times before so mentally I know I can do it. I'm curious how it will help me spiritually. Lately, my readings have been off. I just haven't felt balanced. So this is my spiritual journey of fasting. I'll be updating daily.


Stay tuned for a video on Youtube about it.

Day 2

August 27, 2019

Feeling Great! No cravings as of yet. 


I did my weekly reading yesterday (see Bosstrology tab) and even with just Day 1 of fasting I noticed that my intuition was easier to tune into. Before fasting tuning in has been like trying to hear the teacher in a chaotic classroom. 


My family ate take out for dinner and sitting in drive-thru was the ultimate test of endurance. I chugged my water and pushed all thoughts of caving in to the side.


Check out my Day 1 and 2 below!

Day 3

August 28, 2019

Luckily I'm super busy, because with updating my websites and managing my household, plus working, has made me forget all about food. I'm not experiencing any cravings. I noticed that I need to drink more water, pee is yellow-y. 


After my nature walk my water intake is at about 60oz for the day. I've been researching the benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar and am considering adding 2 tablespoons to my daily intake. It's calorie-less and helpful with soooo many things.


My reading for myself went smooth I pulled 9 of cups which is all about emotional satiety and satisfaction. The perfect description for what I'm feeling right now. I feel really balanced and pure. I also noticed on my nature walk I was more in tune to nature and very appreciative. 


My period started about 1pm today and NO CRAMPS. My cramps are usually so bad that I need strong pain killers.


So, like I said so far so good! Oh yea, I taste that my breath is going in the smelly direction.

Day 4

August 29, 2019

Hey Guys,


So day 4 is feeling tiring. I'm super tired so I've been resting mostly. It's to be expected though so I'm honoring my body's needs. I'm finally in a good space with water. Still struggling to hit a gallon everyday but at least my pee is clear again. Spiritually, today the energy is best described as the Hermit tarot card. Really isolated and to myself. I've been watching Workin' Moms on Netflix all day today. I think I'll finish the series today. I didn't do any readings but I did go walking. My patience is also slim to none today so like I said, hermit and rest mode at the moment.


I did one of my workouts for lunch with a big cup of water and a cup of coffee. I've been researching broths during a fast. I may consider having broth on Day 5, we'll see what I decide. 


The workout I did is linked in the video posted below!

Day 5

August 30, 2019

fast

/fast/

verb

(gerund or present participle: fasting)

abstain from all or some kinds of food or drink, especially as a religious observance.

synonyms: abstain from food, refrain from eating, deny oneself food, go without food, go hungry, eat nothing, starve oneself; go on hunger strike

"the ministry instructed people to fast, pray, and read scripture"

antonyms: eat, indulge oneself


I HIT DAY 5!!! I hit day 5!! Honestly this time went by super fast. I expected to be super super hungry but no. My stomach do be growling though. It's also tough to watch TV too because every commercial is all about food. That sucks. I'm going on my walk later today around 7pm when the weather is cooler because my daughter slept until 9am today and I didn't want to wake her. For breakfast I am having my coffee and big cup of water. My goal is to hit a gallon finally today. 


My period cramps were a bit noticeable yesterday (not bad at all) and are totally gone today. So I can honestly say that what you eat does effect the intensity of your period cramps because usually they kill me (like I used to be prescribed heavy painkillers to cope) not the case this time around. 


I'm going to try a broth for lunch today. I did a bit of research and broth is allowed on a fast, clear liquids are ok with NO PULP. I had to do a lot of soul searching about this one because I don't want to cheat but I also want to be balanced in this fast and not let it turn into something unhealthy.

Day 6

August 31, 2019

It's already 5:38pm and I'm barely getting time to document. Time went by so fast. I went for a jog/walk this morning and drank 60oz of water before lunch time. 


I received lots of spiritual insights today which helped me cope with many emotions I've been feeling. Now I can begin healing and moving forward. This was the reason I wanted to fast during Virgo season, like I've said before, I had lost the connection I had with the universe and hearing messages were nearly impossible. Now that I've cleansed myself of impurities and gave my body that reset I desperately needed I was able to center and had a GREAT meditation session. 


I was feeling lightheaded today so I bought some juices with potassium in it and drank some of those. I didn't have a broth because I didn't want it. For dinner I had another cup of water. I'm 8oz away from a gallon of water and then I'll hit my goal. Finally! My moods have improved. I'm actually MORE patient with my family, so, I'm gonna say that my period had a lot to do with the lack of patience. Speaking of periods, this was the easiest one I've ever had. I may fast on my periods for the rest of my life, we'll see how finishing up Virgo Season goes before making any definite decisions.

Day 7 & 8

September 1 & 2, 2019

Here's how day 7 and 8 went.

Days 9-14

September 3 - 8, 2019

I swear these 5 days flew by. Every day I kept saying "I'll update tomorrow" I'm guessing 5 days equals tomorrow. I did do a reading today (Day 14) and it was the most clear reading I've ever done. I must admit fasting has helped me tune in more to my inward self or higher conscience. 

Day 15

September 9, 2019

Finally caught up on my daily entries! Whew. So as you may have already know my last few days haven't been so hot. Today, I woke up and decided I don't want to fast anymore. Intermittent either. I tried intermittent for a few days but honestly I'm just sick of it all. 


I feel like a quitter. Not gonna lie. But physically I don't have it in me to keep up with the demands of my hectic life while not eating. The first half was awesome. I experienced clarity, felt powerful, and my body had the reset it desperately needed. I was able to also identify things that get in my way. And that my friend is ME. Yes, I get in my own way. This fast has taught me that I have consistency issues. That's why I've continued my daily nature walks. I have only missed 1 day and this is going to be apart of my forever routine. Fasting also alerted me to the fact that I use food and drinking as a coping mechanism to escape uncomfortable feelings. Like instead of dealing with feelings of failure, I'd rather go out to dinner and turn-up. Now that I'm aware, I've been doing some soul searching to discover ways I can turn unhealthy habits into good ones. 


I did decide that I want to fast on my periods indefinitely going forward. I like the idea of resetting while my body is resetting. I want to tune in more to my body and understand it better so I can make more accomplishments in my life.


So.....in an attempt to continue seeking clarity and balance I'm going to be documenting my seasons. Women go through 4 seasons. Today is the last day of the Spring phase! Spring represents rebirth, renew, fresh-start, cleansed, energized and happy. Usually a woman is ready to buckle down and get work done during this time. 

Day 16

September 10, 2019

Work life balance, whew! Is that possible?


Anyways it's about 7:27pm (angel number) and I'm just now getting to update. I'm now in my inner summer phase. If you have no clue what I'm talking about check out the previous entry video. According to my research the inner summer brings about creativity, playfulness, and nurturing. This morning while walking I had an epiphany about the manifestation process and I've been trying to apply it all day. You see I'm good with spiritual concepts when I'm alone. It's when I get around others that I cease living in the moment. I seem to pick up on everyone's energy and turn it on myself. Usually that energy isn't good. Today's motto all in all is about living in the moment. The present moment. No thoughts in the past or future.


In regards to manifestation you have to really believe you have it and part of that is living in the present moment. No jumping to the next situation or the past. Simply in the now. To attract what you want you have to live a life of joy. To do that get to know YOU. That's why I'm sticking closely to learning about the cycles of a woman to aid in understanding myself better.


....still haven't hit drinking a gallon of water.

Day 17

September 11, 2019

Today was a day of spiritual clarity! If you follow me on Twitter (@bossypradaboots), then you know what I mean. Saturn is retrograde in Capricorn and going direct very soon. Saturn is all about Karma and with it retrograde you're repaying all of your karmic debts. I've come to realize that literally today. 


So today, I'm still in my inner summer week but it feels like inner winter because of all the downloads and intuitive messages I've been receiving. It's also 9/11/19 which reads the same backwards and is a day of Enlightenment and Energy Shifts. I totally felt it! 


I was able to meditate this afternoon and research the planetary alignment. I learned that Saturn is in my 9th house, philosophy. Meaning, I'm currently in a stage of releasing old beliefs and thought patterns that no longer suit me. I'm also learning new beliefs not through books but through experience. I always wondered why I never learned lessons until AFTER I lived them rather than reading about it. I don't comprehend certain concepts until I've experienced it, and once I have that experience them I'm unstoppable. 


In regards to my consumption, I've been able to be balanced by asking myself "Why do I want to eat/drink? Is it because of boredom, stress, sadness, celebrations, socially?" Once I am able to identify why, I then can process my feelings surrounding them. I think that's the best diet plan for me and it's not even a diet!


Today I'm actively going to work on NOT absorbing other people's energy.

Day 18

September 12, 2019

Another HUGE epiphany today. This moon in Pisces is really making things clear to me about myself and how I view the world. I've been creating all this mess that I've become victim to.


By nature, I'm always anxious. Always trying to conduct myself in a way that won't annoy the next person. Always trying to be politically correct. Hiding my interest because I'm afraid that someone will find them stupid. Never believing in myself because I'm somehow not good enough. Always feeling unworthy or guilty for EVERYTHING I do.


I came to realize that the only way to quiet all of that noise it to love people. Love them and accept them for who they are. Like, if I sense attitude towards me from someone I immediately get guarded and take offense. But in reality unless it's a conversation to me about it, I can just let it go. People are allowed to have attitudes. People are allowed to be mad. That doesn't mean they hate you. It doesn't mean anything. It's not even a character flaw on their part. It's who they are as a human being in self expression. That goes for other things too. 


Basically what I've learned is that if I truly accept others for who they are with no judgement of good or bad, then, I'd be way more comfortable being me and manifesting. I have to put that energy out of acceptance into the world in order to feel it myself. 


In other news, I caught a cold from my kids today so I've been resting and taking it easy. I even skipped my walk today.

Day 19 - 26

September 20, 2019

A few things have occurred since I last posted. For one, we were all sick so I was healing from that. Plus, Saturn went direct 2 days ago, and on the same day I conquered some of my fears. I'm still working on improvements in certain aspects of my life. It feels hard though, the emotional roller-coaster of it all is the hard part because realistically things don't always go as planned. You can try all you want and hope and pray and things can still NOT be smooth. I'm starting to realize more that life is all about overcoming challenges. Why do we hate challenges so much? I'm shifting my perspective to really see life like a game. When doors are closed I regroup and try again. When doors are opened with hurdles getting to the finish line, I, again, regroup and figure my way around the hurdle so I can KEEP MOVING FORWARD. 


I know I'm winning at life and everyday I'm making the conscious choice to do something to propel my career and life forward. It all starts with attitude and I can honestly say that I'm managing my attitude very well. I don't take everything so personal and I'm comfortable being myself in ANY situation. The "pressure" has subsided and I'm learning how to live life, now that all of my perceived illusions are gone. I used to think that spirituality was all about feeling good all the time but that's unrealistic. Sometimes you're going to feel completely shitty. But, it's how you use those feelings that count. For example, something I was expecting didn't go my way and now I'm feeling bummed. If I figure out how to accomplish this goal then I will progress in the right direction. So I'm using that to help me think of solutions rather than let those emotions consume me into a pity party.


In life it's not over until you quit. As long as you're trying in that direction then it's not over. 


I am still keeping track of the seasons of womanhood. I was in my Fall season and this week is supposed to be Winter however it's been feeling like Summer for me and maybe I'm going into Fall. For some reason I feel like I may have gotten the weeks mixed up. Anyways, if I go by how I feel, it's really upbeat and good. Not super energetic but mostly motivated to handle my business. I am in a good place and just want to keep improving and moving forward. When I'm at a crossroad where I don't know what to do, I just get calm and listen to my instincts. I am really working on listening to my body because I've learned that it ALWAYS knows best. 


That's why it's important that I take care of ME! I need to be in the best physical, mental, and spiritual shape so that I can make the right choices. Self-care is key! It's a MAJOR key!

Day 27 - 30

September 24, 2019

It's officially Fall! The second day of Fall to be exact. In my seasons of womanhood, though, I'm in the last days of Inner Fall going into Inner Winter. It's also the second day of Libra season. That means that, for me, I've wrapped up my season of working on myself and am now going into balancing everything I've learned. In my last excerpt I was upset about something that seemed to not go my way. Legit, the next day everything was cleared up and what I had thought happened was only a miscommunication error. Best believe I was celebrating when I realized I had in fact accomplished one of my goals and didn't have to figure my way over a hurdle. So Saturday and Sunday I was celebrating over my manifestation victory. Then Monday the moon was in Cancer so I dedicated that day to my family, home life, and my emotions. Today the moon shifted into Leo and I feel this pent up energy of dissatisfaction inside. I am grateful for what I have accomplished and the people in my life, yet, am dissatisfied with where I am in life. It's a "motivating" dissatisfaction, like my heart is gearing me up to continue the HARD FIGHT of building my DREAM life. I have so much I want to accomplish and I feel so far away from it.


Libra is in my 6th house which is the house of Health (Routine tasks and duties. Skills or training acquired. Jobs and Employments. Health and overall well-being. Service performed for others. Care-taking. Pets and small domestic animals.) I'm thinking that the next 30 or so days will be devoted to balancing growing my career, with self-care/health, and my family. I decided to use the moon phases as a schedule for devoting my days. For example, when the moon was in Cancer, I devoted those days to my family. Now that the moon is in Leo, I'm devoting this time to my creativity and self-expression (this blog). 


We shall see how this goes but for now I"m excited for this journey and the lessons I learn over the next 30 days.

Day 31

September 25, 2019

So last night I had this epiphany  in regards to MONEY! It dawned on me that money is energy. I'm going to say that again. MONEY IS ENERGY! We are energy. 


Let me break it down like this. You know how it feels to be around a NEEDY person? Kinda creepy and annoying, huh? What do you do? Correct, avoid them at every cost. You find ways to leave their presence. Money is the same way, it's an energy just like we are. If we're giving off needy vibes towards money you scare it away. You notice how every time you get money, bills and expenses always manage to pop up out of no where to take your money? That's money, finding a way to leave your presence, kind of like that needy person you try to avoid. When you're always stressing, needing, and tripping out over money you scare it away because it doesn't like your energy. You can think it's crazy all you want but seriously think about it.


Now, if that's the case, how do you attract money? Well, how do you attract people into your life? What attracts you to other people? For me, when I see someone in their element vibing out being authentically them, it makes me want to get to know them and be around them. When I see people having a good time and enjoying life, it draws me to them. Same with money! When you are in your own element enjoying life having a great time, you create the energy to attract money. After all, money is energy! It will find multiple ways to reach you in the form of multiple sources of income. 


Now you can't just sit around waiting like osmosis. You do still have to work, duh! But once you create the streams of income for money to reach you, whether it be at a job or in your own business, you'll notice money coming in substantially. 


This is still a new concept for me. Like I said, it was an AHA moment at 2am this morning. Yes, my mind was racing all night from like 2am until 5am! 


That was what I wanted to share today. In other news, I'm super bloated from getting ready to start my period. As soon as it starts, I'm going to fast the 7 days of my Inner Winter Period.


As for everything else, life is good! Still working on work, family, and self-care balance.

Day 32 - 36

September 30, 2019

It's the last day of September. It's night. About 8 pm. And it's time for reflection. Truth is, I'm afraid. Not like terrified, more like that scared-nervousness you feel when you are putting all your trust and faith in the Universe. I've been in this situation before with putting all your trust in the Universe to work things out for your success. Every time, I end up doing the happy dance, near tears because it's amazing how IT does that. I'm sure this is a similar situation. I know it is. Just another test to see if you'll falter. 


I'm almost done with my Inner Winter phase and I didn't fast at all. With so much going on, I didn't have it in me. I feel a bit off balance. My usual routine is off and when my surroundings change, it takes me a while to get back on track.


I'm going to do a reading tonight. I think that's what I need. 


I don't know what else to write on here so I guess I'll end it.


Day 37 - 50

October 14, 2019

My last entry I was in the beginning stages of going through it. I was in a situation where I legit had no options but to rely on the Universe/God to come through for me. I was out of ideas on how to save myself and completely surrendered the situation. Usually, I'm a control freak. I've been on this spiritual path for 1 year and 10 months so although I've seen miracles the Universe can accomplish, it's still new to me about the concept of Manifestation. These 14 days tested my faith like never before. 


So rewind to October 1st. Still in a hopeless situation and suddenly there's a "break through". I put it in quotes because although it solved the physical problem, it left me feeling broken. Everything I thought I knew about God/Universe shattered. I questioned everything I believed. I doubted myself. I believed I was a fuck up, a failure, a bad mom.....everything. But something in me just couldn't let the idea of Manifestation go. Like a drug I searched articles online for some solution, encouragement, ANYTHING to explain what I was going through. I even tried to do Tarot but couldn't channel anything. I was lost....again. By the 2nd of October I was in a full blown depression. All I did was take care of my kids and sleep. No food. No drinks. Just sleep. I even quit reading the astrology. On the 3rd of October I decided that I AM WHO I AM! I began embracing my quirks genuinely. I made the decision to get rid of people in my life that are toxic. Totally goes with the theme of Libra season. You see, the person that the Universe used to help me out of a difficult situation was also the same person that tore me down to my core. I was accused of things completely out of my character. It felt like they reveled in my failure. I was kicked while I was already down. It was up to ME to rebuild myself up again. I had no-one else, except my husband. By the 4th I was facing another dire situation. This time I knew the Universe wouldn't let me fall, I just didn't know how I would be helped. After some hours my husband and I thought up a fool proof plan and that saved us. It was rough for the next 5 days but it was durable. The 9th was salvation day. I experienced a huge breakthrough and ever since then, everything has been on a steady incline upwards.


So in going through all of that I realized that the Universe puts you through situations so see what YOU are made of and to show you WHO OTHERS are made of. You see, I would have never awakened to the people I kept in my circle if it wasn't for this situation. I would have been blindly clinging to these toxic relationships out of obligation. I also wouldn't have seen my Manifestation Power up close and personal. 


All in all. I've distanced myself from those toxic relationships. They are no longer able to access ME. Even if we were in the same room or on the phone, they wouldn't have access to ME nor my heart. This isn't a permanent thing because people change with circumstances, so there is definitely a possibility that we'd associate again. Not now though. 


I have a zen type calmness now. I know in my heart that EVERYTHING will ALWAYS be GOOD for me. Now I focus on loving my family and enjoying them, loving me unconditionally and exploring the depths of my soul, plus growing my career. 

Day 51 & 52

October 16, 2019

You know what happens to devices when you constantly use them without charging them or restarting them consistently? They glitch, freeze up, or operate very very slow. The body does that too. I've learned from experience. This whole week I've been feeling super blah. Mentally ok but physically drained. I feel like I'm constantly hungry, super irritable, sleepy like I can't get enough sleep, and anxious. My legs, feet, and fingers have been swelling up which NEVER happens to me.


After some soul searching and reevaluating my habits I realized that I 1. haven't' been drinking any water, 2. haven't been taking my vitamins, 3. haven't eaten ANY veggies, 4. haven't done ANY self-care. I also have been staying up until 3am getting work done. Barely any sleep. All in all I have been neglecting myself. 


I thought this work, self, family, spirituality balance in Libra Season was going to be a breeze but NOPE. It's all trial and error, mostly error. LOL. Today is Wednesday so I'm resting and rehabilitating my body. I need to take my vitamins. Drink a gallon of water the next few days. Take care of my appearance. Then sleep which means I'm going to bed early the next few days. In my vlog, I said NO WORK but WORK brings me joy so I'll work in a balanced manner. 


The good news is that I've learned to listen to my body. At first I felt guilty because I felt like I don't deserve to be tired since I work from home but then realized that's the conditioning society teaches us. "You have to be worthy of rest" but resting is a birthright and whether I dug trenches or did my toenails I need to learn and be comfortable with resting when my body needs it. I also am going to do better with taking care of my body. I totally neglected it since moving to our new place and I'm paying for it. Truthfully, since becoming a mother in 2017 I have been neglecting my needs off and on, especially my physical appearance. 


Going forward. I'm going to do better with balancing my self-care with all my other responsibilities and make me a priority. As for now I'm rehabilitating.

Day 53-57

October 21, 2019

Phoenix Rising!

Today feels like a day where I take ALL of my power back. I've been going through an Identity Crisis ever since the last post in regards to shedding my insecurity. Then major events on Saturday night led me to realize that I haven't been valuing myself. 


I haven't been seeing ME as valuable because I measure value by accomplishments. But even if that's how I measured value, I still wasn't valuing myself. It's like I've been having this mental block that says I'm not good enough. Except this time, it was subconscious. It was a subconscious block I've never shed and it manifested through the people I attract. 


I've always been surrounded by people that make fun of me, put me down, criticize me harshly, use me, or just plain ole' made me cry. Before, I thought I deserved it because I was flawed. Believing that if I was "better", "thinner", "smarter", GOOD ENOUGH, then people will treat me nice. 


So, those childhood traumas followed me although I've left them behind. They followed me in the form of the relationships I've chosen. The people I link up with. The narrative kept going because subconsciously I've still managed to believe I'm not good enough.


It's freeing because NOW I absolutely see my value. I'm deserving of all the best the world has to offer. I've always been worthy! All those other people knew it too, but my LIGHT dimmed theirs so they reacted by bringing me down. I can no longer tolerate those feelings. Those feelings of me as a little girl crying my eyes out because I despised my existence. Those feelings of walking into a room and automatically feeling inferior. Sometimes I look back at those situations and realize that I was it. I was the coveted person all along. People wanted to be as free as I was, as talented as I was, as loving and gentle as I was, as beautiful as I was, as strong as I was, yet I was so busy hating myself I never saw it.


I know in a previous post I talked about acceptance and that still stands. But if I were to add to it, I'd say that I've learned to accept people for how they are and am FREE to either associate or disassociate with them. Acceptance has NOTHING to do with tolerating belittling and bullying. It's all about seeing the situation for what it is and acting in a way that's healthy for you. "I see ya'll like to put people down and that's ok, but I'm going to remove myself and energy from your presence because it doesn't make me feel good." 


Something else I've learned is that, you can tell people that they are hurting your feelings or making you feel like shit and they'll try to gaslight you. They'll make you feel like you're too sensitive or weak or just crazy. They won't take accountability for their actions and leave you feeling like you deserved their treatment. They'll blame you for their mistakes. They'll blame you for sticking up for yourself. If you take a MAJOR stand for yourself, then they'll cry and tell you what you want to hear then fall back into toxic behaviors after a few days. Next thing you know, you're in a never ending cycle with toxic people in your life never truly getting the treatment you deserve. You'll get used to the shitty treatment and lower your standards. Anything remotely nice that they do for you, you'll justify by saying, "see he/she/they love me because they did this for me" but deep down inside you'll know it's not enough. You'll know it doesn't cancel out the fact that they rip your self-esteem to shreds. It's sad because those are people you really love, people you'll die for.  But it's either them or you. Who are you going to choose? I choose and will always choose ME every time.


Lately I've been seeing my power. I've been seeing the things I can create and do which blows my mind! I'm a fucking rockstar! I am! I'm fucking amazing and never knew it because I've let Average Joe's tell me I'm not. 


So this is a new era. A new me where I do what I want and surround myself with people that see my value. No longer will I dim my light or allow others to tell me I'm flawed.

Day 58-60

October 24, 2019

Now what?

It's Scorpio season. Time for death and rebirth. I feel like I need it after the roller coaster ride I've been on with relationships. Time for a rebirth. Not going to lie. It makes me sad. Legit tears are rolling down my eyes as I type. 


It's like setting out on a journey and you have your crew and you guys are pumped and ready for this journey and then you start on it and midway they bail. Now you're left journeying alone. I hate the feeling of losing people, especially if they're still alive. Like if someone dies I can come to terms with that, they're dead, not coming back, got it. But losing someone that's alive hurts 1000xs more because you know they are still there and you want to be with them and talk but you know you can't because they're no good for you. Why can't people just be what you need them to be? 


That's a good question. It's a selfish question. People need to be themselves.


Enough about people. What about me? Well, I'm in this limbo space. I don't know what to do. I'm focusing on my work. Building my brand. Throwing all of my emotions into creating. I'm learning self-sufficiency. I'm even looking into replacing the relationships I lost. Usually I'm shy when it comes to developing relationships, I never know who to trust. Now that I've released toxic behaviors that no longer suit me, I can honestly say that I'm more outgoing now. Low self-esteem made it hard to talk to people, not an issue anymore.


I don't know what else to say. It's hard for me right now. 

Day 61-64

October 28, 2019

The New Moon in Scorpio happened last night. Every time the moon is in Scorpio I get anxiety so imagine the anxiety I went through yesterday. The intensity of the energy has faded and now the leftovers of what's lingering is here.


If I didn't journal here I'd legit miss synchronicity in my daily life. I'm saying that because I didn't notice these details until just now. Check this out: Yesterday was the 1st day of Inner Spring. Inner Spring represents rebirth, renewed, fresh start, happy, and energized. All of which I feel today completely. I didn't feel that way yesterday until last night. Now here is the kicker....it's also the time of the New Moon in Scorpio which is all about renewed, rebirth energy. So physically my body is reborn and astrologically I'm reborn. 


I expected to get insights like I have in the past but I haven't. The insights I've been receiving have strictly come from my work or passion projects. I've been trying to figure out "what's next" and I've noticed that once I pick a direction and get started (even though I may not know what I'm doing) clarity comes to me. 


My relationships are doing ok. Like I said, I've purged those that aren't resonating with me. However, I thought cutting off was a permanent thing but the people who matter the most to me legit transformed into what I needed them to be so that they can stay in my life. I really didn't want to live without them but I trusted my instincts and let them go because of their toxicity. Little did I know that I had to trust the universe and everything I desire will be mines. That was what happened with these two people.


Now of course, everything takes work and they aren't perfect. Neither am I. But I now have hope that things can and will be healed so that everyone in my life is operating healthily. Forgiveness is the lesson I'm in now. Because of my skeptical nature, it's hard to forgive because it makes me feel like I'm vulnerable. Like some how I can be wounded. But the thing about owning your power is being 100% vulnerable and trusting that you'll always be ok. If a person crosses you again then deal with it at that time. If they become a lifetime companion then how sweet it is. The key is to set boundaries that protect yourself, let people know, if they cross boundaries take necessary precautions, forgive, and trust. This is the formula I have so far for dealing with relationships. I just need to know that people actually want to be here in this relationship.


Life is such a process and I am really enjoying it. Everyday I'm excited for the next thing. Time is also flying by, but they say time flies when you're having fun. I'm also working on my relationship with money. I never knew that I had such a deep blockage when it comes to money. I assumed that because of my awareness of attraction it would be easy. Little did I know that more INNER work needed to be done. I'm learning that money is a tool, like a sword. A warrior isn't powerful because he has a sword. He's powerful because he knows HOW to use the sword. That's the same with me and money. Money isn't powerful by itself. It's paper. But HOW I use money is how I'm powerful. Now I get why I haven't gotten "rich" all the times I was expecting to. It's like giving a warrior a sword on day 1 of practice. You can fuck up EVERYTHING if you aren't skilled in it's use. There are so many lessons and things I'm learning so that when I do get rich, I'll use my riches in a powerful way. Some practices I'm doing to create a positive view of money is blessing it when I spend it. I'm also really shifting into my view that I'm abundant. 


That's pretty much what's new with me and my ever growing perspective.

 

Day 65-81

November 14, 2019

17 days! 17 muthafucking days since I last updated. So here's the tea. My laptop busted the next day on October 29th and I took it to the Geek Squad to get an idea of what was wrong only to find out that my hard drive took a shit. *Legit 2 days before mercury retrograde* Anyways I lost all my saved footage for my Youtube Channel and no laptop made it completely impossible to update my website. I'm literally struggling to document this from my phone.....well, husbands phone because I don't have one of those either. 


That whole ordeal sent me into a spiralling depression fueled by sadness and rum. I felt poor and low! Halloween rolled around and my husband came home early (luckily because I was drinking my sorrows on my saucer chair letting the TV baby sit my kids). I managed to pull myself together to celebrate and eventually got into the spirit. I even vlogged the day, check out my Youtube Channel Jusphucket to see the whole thing. By the time November 1st came I was emotionally drained and heavily insecure about it. On November 7th my mom came to visit. That visit was much needed because it gave me closure on ALL of my childhood issues. All the lessons I learned about vulnerability helped me communicate to her. 


I discovered that my insecurities had me believing a storyline about my mom and brother that wasn't true. I misjudged my treatment and internalized it. And that contributed to my selfloathing. I also learned that a couple of people from my past told my mom that I helped "save their lives" and that helped me see that I'm a GOOD PERSON. All in all, my mom's visit was the last piece to the puzzle of my rebirth....of me deading old issues once and for all. I can thank Mercury Retrograde energy for all of that. 


I learned that in order to get past trauma you have to revisit it. You have to look it square in the eyes and deal with it. That sounds more scary than it is but it's a necessary step in healing. I'm very positive about my future now that I've dealt with my "stuff". I came our of my depressive state completely confident in WHO I AM. 


2 days ago we had a Full Moon in Taurus and legit the next day I was approached for business opportunities. I'm glad I healed myself because I can now operate my business from a state of security and confidence. I know my worth and believe in my creative abilities. 


Let's see where these next few days take me.

Day 82-102

December 4, 2019

20 days is an all time new record for neglecting my biography. I've been nagging myself to update for 10 of those days. I finally just sat down to do it now, I was in the middle of a reading for my sign.


So where I left off (sidenote: I'm still on my husband's cell phone updating my website and I HATE IT), anyways in my last post I had experienced closure from my past and completely healed. Nothing emotional has been going on since then. I feel really happy and at peace with myself. It's blissful! All of the hardwork and misery and suffering I endured to work on myself has succeeded. I finally reached the point where I've always wanted to be.


Never did I ever guess that I'd be healing from my inner demons on my quest to getting rich. Aside from the money, I have everything I've ever wanted in life. I'm rich! I feel rich and extremely blessed. I'm so happy for myself because....I created this! You really can create your own reality. Currently, I'm working on my career. It's like a riddle that separates me from here and there. If I can solve the riddle, then I can achieve my filmmaking desires as a career.....and be very rich! I can't decide though if I need to push or wait. Push my career forward or wait to execute. I don't know. I've been praying for the answer and I always get stuck. If I feel into myself it feels like my answer is to be patient and wait. Like, I've done all of the work and now it's on divine timing. Then another more impatient side reminds me that things just don't happen by osmosis. Yet, still, I'm stuck on the HOW of moving forward. How! How?? How do I produce the films I've written without equipment?  How do I produce without a crew? How do I get a crew? How do I get funding? All are questions that run through my mind daily. It low key stresses me out.


On the subject of stress, I've managed to stress so much my period is late. NO I'm not pregnant (nor will I be having another child until 6 years from now). I've already taken tests and I know I'm not pregnant. I can guarantee that it's late due to stress or the Hydroxycut I started. I just hope it's not health related. Weirdly enough, my period was 14 days late one month then 7 days early another month and now back to nearly 14 days late again. Idk what the fuck my body is trying to tell me. I know it's something and I'll figure it out soon. I've switched up my diet towards more plant based....I still eat meat seldomly. I've definitely limited processed foods and packaged stuff.


The New Moon in Sagittarius was interesting. I had an epiphany again about my current situation in life. I realized that I have been holding on to the "struggle" mindset and wasn't seeing that all of that is behind me now. I realized that I'm currently living in the beginning stages of what I've been trying to manifest for the past 6 years. I guess that's too why I'm just so calm and chill lately. I sense the "fight" is over. Now is the time where I rest and enjoy the fruits of my labor. 


I'm going to create a wishlist here: New Razr phone, production studio with camera equipment, new computer for editing (preferably a laptop), a crew, and a car.


I'm working my ass off to manifest these things because they'll help me live out my purpose better.....and make me happy! That's all the update for now. I hope to update in a few days....I won't take so long to update anymore.


Edit: I find I'm quite boring when I'm not sad.

Day 103-104

December 6, 2019

The Big Bleed.


So yea, my period arrived this morning. I knew it would once I figured out what my body was telling me. I'll share:


So yesterday I was severely overwhelmed and I felt like I was drowning in my expectations. I've come to realize that I stress myself out. It took me to have my period 14 days late to STOP and realize that I was stressing myself out. You see, us Aquarius are detached from our feelings. We are emotional beings, especially me with a Cancer moon, but we do this thing where we run and avoid our emotions because we don't want to deal with it. Emotionally I had been stressed and I thought the solution was to do MORE and the more I tried to do, the more I internalized my stress. I was headed for another burnout. Quite common amongst stay at home moms. Yesterday, I took a few "Are You Stressed" quizzes just to see what the answer would be. After that I felt into myself and meditated with binural beats to give myself some calm. I didn't clean anything. I didn't cook dinner. I surrendered to life. 


Surrender is the key point. This morning I woke up. Ordered pizza for breakfast and one for lunch. Nothing is clean. Nothing has been done. This is my week to surrender and take care of myself. 


A woman's inner winter is a spiritual time where their connection to spirit is powerful. It's a time to let go and let God. Luckily I have a husband that's very loving and supportive of me because during this time he really steps up and honors my solitude.


If it wasn't for that delay, I would never have caught on that I was stressed. If it wasn't for my period, I wouldn't have slowed down to rest. I'm really seeing the importance in listening to my body.

Day 105-122

December 23, 2019

Christmas Eve Eve!


The days be flying by, I swear. I have been productive though. If you haven't already read my latest post on Mom Stuff, go check it out. It's all about dealing with Mommy Burnout! 


Btw, I'm still updating on this phone and I swear it's the worst! That's pretty much all the complaints I have about life. I'm very happy with everything. It's the happiest I've been EVER. 


Lately, I've been applying everything 2019 has taught me. I've been doing 50-25-25, method with balancing. 50 percent me, 25 percent family, 25 percent work; it's not always in that order. Sometimes family gets 50 percent and another time it's work. It all depends on what needs the most of my attention at the moment. I'm learning that nothing in life is "set it and forget it", everything needs attention constantly. That's why awareness and being present is so important. You have to be fully in the moment to know what to do and how to respond. You need to be aware of your wants so that you can operate based on that. Your wants is your compass.


My mom had been asking me to reach out to other family members. Truthfully, no shade, but I'm good. I'm in this really good space with positive vibes and good energy and I don't want to invite people in my life at the moment. I'm good. I'm really happy how things are right now. Maybe later in life if our paths cross but not now. I just cleaned out all of the toxic relationships that's been draining my energy and I really don't wanna deal with that again. Is it being judgy? Idk. Maybe. Still, I said what I said.


I'm striving to be the best I can be. I'm consistently being more productive. I'm building on the foundation I've created. Everyday I try to do more in regards to staying in this positive bliss I'm in. I'm so grateful for where I am in life. Things got so good so fast. Just over the summer I was in such a terrible space mentally, physically, and spiritually. Now look! A completely different life! I'm only going up from here.


It's about to be Christmas and I'm so excited. Another holiday with my family. I love my family so so much. Just the 4 of us! I got my husband a really good gift. I can't wait to see his reaction. His birthday was on the 16th and I got him cowboy boots. He legit never takes them off. My kids each got a toy and stuff to share. Plus we put more decor into their room. They legit play in their room ALL DAY. We are going to be creating a gingerbread house on Christmas day. Idk what else we're doing but I'm vlogging it. Make sure you're subscribed to my Youtube Channel Jusphucket. 


I don't know what else to say really. I think we have a New Moon coming up in a few days I I'll be sure to update then. 

Day 123-138

January 7, 2020

Happy New Years!


It's new dawn, a new day, a new liiiiiiiiiife.......for meeeeeeeeee. What's uppers guys. So Christmas was awesome. You can check it out in my Youtube Channel Jusphucket. I can't add video footage using this cellphone, sadly. New Year's was even better. I got to bed at 9pm to have a well rested and healthy start. We've (my husband and I) have also been juicing everyday, either in the morning or night. Yesterday, I developed a new schedule which allows me freedom to workout, give myself a facial treatment, say affirmations, set intentions, and just take care of myself. I noticed an overall feeling of satisfaction. Like I'm happy that I get to spend time every night on ME. It's something I used to spend so much time doing before children and marriage. Somehow someway, I lost my way. I neglected myself because I was "too tired" or "busy". What I failed to realize was that, self-care ENERGIZES me. It gives me a boost to keep going. It makes me want to do more.


Another thing I've done was, keep the house clean. I know it sounds super simple but your living quarters are a reflection of your mental space. Might I add that my mental space was chaotic!!! I guess I had to learn from experience about cleanliness and self-care. Maintaining those things require TONS of dedication and work; but it gives you so much self-esteem. It makes you happy when you have a super clean home. It makes you happy when you smell good and look good. That's why people do it! For happiness. 


In other news, I'm avidly working towards landing this TV pitch. I'm one of those people that has to create something out of nothing. I don't have the typical resources and everything I shoot is from cellphone footage. If you remember my October post, my laptop even died. Yet, I'm still creating and producing because I LOVE doing it. It's my life path! I feel lost sometimes because I don't know what my next steps are. I'm navigating blindly. I do have a vision in my head of me producing TV shows and movies and that's what fuels my fire. I guess I just have to let go and let God on this one. Show up everyday and wait for my moment. Everyday I'm doing the work and am patiently waiting for my dreams to manifest. I'm not giving up!


All in all I'm working on becoming the best version of myself. I definitely can see the theme of this year emerging: Growth! I'm very comfortable with who I am and what I want. I've distanced myself from those that bring me down and I only do what I want to. Nothing done is out of "obligation" it's done out of sheer will. That, too, makes me happy. 


I'll update when it's a full moon. Legit in 3 days.



Day 139-143

January 11, 2020

So, the Full Moon (Wolf Moon) was yesterday. On top of that I'm on my period. I legit believe that my periods coordinate with the moon cycle now. I don't know if the insights I received were astronomical, but, I'll share anyways.


It's all about "being the change you want to see". Whatever that may be, you need to step into who or what you want to be. Just be it. I'm also feeling like I am enough. It's this power I possess that empowers me to believe that I AM THE SOLUTION to any problem. That's pretty much it. I'm sure over the next few days my insights will become more clear. For now, I'm in the headspace of making things happen. 


I took the past 2 days off from my responsibilities due to my period. Learning balance is hard. I wanted to go ham because I started a new routune but I fell back and let myself be. That did wonders because, today, I'm more energized. I cleaned up the whole house today and did my usual chores. That makes me happy because I'm stepping into the woman I want to be and am actually succeeding at it. Being a woman is the most POWERFUL humanbeing there is. I love being a woman!


One last thing I wanted to mention is my view of fear. Fear of man, that is. I'm no longer afraid of people and their views. I juse don't care anymore. If I don't want to talk, I'm not talking. I don't owe an explanation or feel I'm need to soften the blow with a lie. If I don't want visitors I'm not accepting visitors. I'm not doing anything because I fear the consequences. This has more to do with my relationships with humans. I used to fear humans so much and I don't know why. Like, seeing someone mad was so triggering, God forbid they were angry at me! Now, I'm like, can't please everyone so might have as well please yourself. As long as I'm being self-aware, making sure I'm not being toxic, I have the right to be this way.


I have nothing else really to say so I'll end it here.

Day 144-148

January 15, 2020

Omg, if you only knew how long it took me to get to this part of typing this sentence. Ugh! I hate updating on this phone!!! Anyways, super stressed at the moment. I'm working on a huge (2 HUGE) projects at the same time and it's difficult. I know in the end I'm going to overcome and be all like, "I don't know why I was so stressed 😂". For now, not gonna lie, it's hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough for this task but then I remember "be the change you want to see". I'm officially a Producer and I can either sit around complaining about not having resources or I can get out there and make something. That's what separates the G.O.A.T from a loser. I almost think that you need obstacles to happen just so you can be called a winner. Otherwise, what makes you a winner? So yea, I'm working hard at the moment to bring these projects to fruition. To cope, I've been meditating a LOT and praying. I've also been more quiet so I can hear my inner guidance.

Today I even performed a money spell with patchouli incense. I'll update the results as things happen.

That's all for now.

Day 149-168

February 3, 2020

19 days later. Welcome if you're coming from my Youtube Channel: Jusphucket.

You guys should know by now, if it's been a minute....that means I'm going through it. It's not really really bad. Mostly I've been dealing with internal stuff. Like a mental fight.

Let's rewind to January 20th or the 25th. I had this epiphany about how being confident requires that you rock with what you think or feel no matter what. If you make a mistake then deal with it and move one. Mistakes aren't for nobody except for YOU. It's the only way to learn. And! They aren't meant to be dwelling on over and over. But back to my original statement. You have to trust yourself so much that if everyone is telling you NO but you say YES, you follow what you believe 100%. I used to struggle with that because I always assumed the person contradicting me was right. But then after listening to them I always felt like I should've followed my own gut instincts. Also people will try to play you by contradicting your GOOD idea over their own insecurities.

So lately I've been applying this concept into my daily life; which, makes living a lot easier. Basically all I have to do is drown out the noise. I'm still stressed over these projects I'm working on. Truthfully, I'm so scared of having to go back to the drawing board. After 3 years of trying and nearly 10 years of building the foundation I really really really just want to cross the finish line. It would devastate me if I have to try again. So, currently, I'm in the waiting phase. Waiting for a yes. Man I pray that this project sticks.....finally!

My gut feeling knows this time I got it right. It's just a war in my head.....did I win or did I fail. It's hard to stay positive and present. I know I've been detached from my family because my heart is so consumed with this.

In other news I've been improving in conscience parenting balanced with self-care. It's all a process ya'll. It's not easy striving to be the best you can be. It's uncomfortable at times when you want to go back to old habits; and, the consistency is even more brutal. Sometimes it feels like I'll never get it right but I continue to do my best and push myself to keep going. I reward my wins and have compassion for myself when I lose.

That's all.

Day 169-185

February 19, 2020

I had a dream that I was in Miami hanging out with celebrities. Somewhere, I read that dreaming about celebrities as equals means that you think highly of yourself. That there aren't any pedalstools you put others on. It's been such an eye opening journey, it's hard to convey it all into writing.

I officially mastered the manifestation process. It's so funny because all this time I was legit looking in the wrong direction. I did lots of soul searching since my last post. I've come to terms with my self limiting beliefs. It all stemmed from the idea of being ENOUGH. A lot of my issues are because I've never felt like I was enough. Obviously I learned that behaviour from my childhood and it's something I've carried with me until adulthood.

Accepting that I am enough is so satisfying to me. It's like the PERIODT at the end of a sentence. You have to realize that all of us are on this planet for a reason. Who we are is EXACTLY who we need to be. God, The Universe, Higher Power, never makes mistakes. Why would you or I be the first? Impossible! So I've been sitting with this new idea and applying it in my life. I never realized how poisonous my mind can be. Even on this whole positivity kick, I recognized majority of my thoughts were still self-loathing. Very subtitle, different thoughts of myself not being enough popped in my head and in turn I'd manifest that reality.

Now that I'm aware I've been reprogramming ideas of "I am enough" into my mind. It's such a blissful feeling when you are completely confident. So, when I decided to make new, more, positive connections about me being enough. Difficult situations were thrown my way. At first, I couldn't understand it. Then I realized that to make new brain patterns I have to be put into situations where I learn HOW to think positively. You see, it's easy to say, "Oh, I'm not thinking that way again." But, it's hard to be in a situation that challenges your current beliefs where you're forced to apply new thought patterns.

Mercury retrograde began on the 17th and on the 16th I felt it's presence. Mercury rules communication and it's retrograding forces you to confront the past. Legit, since the 16th I've been experiencing deja vu. Also my readings have been SPOT ON! It creeps me out sometimes how intuitive I am with accuracy. I'm really appreciative of this gift.

All in all. I've grown to love me even more and now I'm working on feeling more secure wherever I stand.

Day 186-206

March 10, 2020

It's been almost a month! I've been in my feels, thanks to Pisces season. It hasn't been in a bad way though. It's like the Mercury retrograde had my brain on rewind as if it was recapping my life up until now. I completely understand myself now. I know who I am and what I want. Confidence plays a HUGE role in my life. Your life too, so, you might want to analyze how secure your are within. I realized, and yes, this happened on the Full Moon in Virgo yesterday, that if I am going to succeed I need to be 100% me. The second I begin doubting myself or polishing up my character to "fit in" is when I begin failing. It's tough! Like, that's tough!


So these days have been really good.

Finally, after all this time. I finally see how special I really am. It's funny because I opened this section last year in Virgo Season to understand myself more. As a way of "thinking out loud". Now, after the Virgo Full Moon I feel like that chapter is coming to a close.


With that said, I wanna open up the format of Identity. It is now transitioning into an online magazine, Identity Mag.

I'm sure you'll love the new changes! My bio entries will continue as it's own section in the magazine.


-Until Then

Day 207-243

April 16, 2020

So, I didn't expect to make another entry, yet, here I am.


What's been going on? 


For starters there is a pandemic we're in the midst of. If I'm honest, it's made everyone lose their damn mind. You can definitely see who has a solid foundation and who doesn't. I've been staying centered. I'm grateful that my family is healthy and happy. In times like these it's best to remain grateful. I'm focusing on being abundant. I avoid any connotations of lack. 


I'm proud of myself for sticking to my goals. I've been keeping my home clean, progressing my children to their milestones, and building my Empire. Every day I do something to progress in those areas. I've also been sticking with self-care days. Everyday self-care has been a priority. It's a month solid of doing positive affirmations every morning. It works when you say your affirmations everyday. I have a routine where I wake up at 5am then do my affirmations followed by meditation. I notice if I skip doing that then my days are more stressful so I try really hard to do it everyday.


Inside. I feel really grounded. I'm just waiting on divine timing. 

Day 244-271

May 13, 2020

Here I am. Again. I feel anxious. I'm getting everything I wanted. That makes me anxious because I see my life changing. It's scary. Why? Because I don't know what's going to happen. Am I making sense? Probably not.


I'm scared of being alone. What if I get everything I've ever wanted but my family falls apart? I know the universe has your back and everything happens for a reason but I'm scared that might happen. It's like be broke and surrounded by people or rich and alone. But I hate being broke!


I read somewhere that the mind is resistant to change and will try everything in its power to stop you. So, I'm aware of why I have this fear it's like: feel the fear and do it anyway.


Aside from that, these retrogrades are killing me. Highly uncomfortable. On the outside you'd never know I'm emo right now which is why I created this space. I like the idea of putting it all out there. It helps me heal. Music has been my medicine. Taurus season is always the most uncomfortable for me so I listen to music 24/7 to ground me.


I don't really know what else to put here. 

Day 272-293

June 5, 2020

Full Moon / Partial Eclipse in Sagittarius. Been staying grounded in meditation and tarot readings. Lots of promise and manifestations are in the process of blooming. 


I've joined the Civil Rights Movement and Black Lives Matter Movement in hopes of ending systematic racism, human rights violations, and police brutality. It's liberating being apart of a cause I feel so passionately about. This is also the first time using my VOICE....for anything. I used to be such an push over and never stood for anything, at least outwardly! I love using my voice, the louder the better! I'm learning balance too though, with using my voice. I don't want to crossover into the "trouble maker" label.


My Network has been growing fast! I'm proud that I stuck with all of the hardships when I was developing it because I'm seeing results now. The most rewarding feeling is using the platform you grew to promote a cause you believe in.


I'll update later after the New Moon.

Day 294-313

June 24, 2020

It's 4:14PM! Angel number 414 means that the angels are assisting you with aligning your vibrations with your life purpose and soul mission. I can definitely feel that!


So the last time I updated here was the Full Moon, Partial Eclipse in Sag. It's been some days since the New Moon, Solar Eclipse in Cancer and I feel compelled to update here. What can I say?


In regards to the civil rights movement, I'm still expanding on my ideas and growing. I began Hathor's Angels during the BLM movement and I'm glad because I needed to separate from the collective and help in my OWN way. Enough on that!


The NEW MOON ceremony was so healing and therapeutic! Per Cancer, usual. I was able to release so old thought patterns and create new long lasting ones. I feel that as a family participating in the ceremony brought us closer and raised our vibration as a collective. 


All in all I'm pretty much chilling. 

(this was short, i know, so i'll update again)

Day 314-364

 August 13, 2020

Tomorrow will be 365 days (a full year) since starting this space. Today is 50 days since my last post!


Life is not chill! I'm in the midst of SEVERAL life changes. These changes- (let me interrupt here and just say, I LOVE THIS SPACE. This is such a safe space for me to vent and get some clarity on my life. I made this journal public because I know it will help someone else on their self-discovery journey).


Back to the changes. I'm made 2 Life Changes, right now, and it's sending me! I feel so stressed and disappointed from the setbacks I've been facing. It's so difficult to overcome. It's hard. The hardest part is patience.....patiently waiting for an idea to manifest. It's hard to keep coming up with ideas: fail after fail.


I'm gonna get a little personal into my family life, well extended family life. I decided to cut off more members of my extended family. I've gotten to the point where enough is enough! I refuse to continue this "negative narrative about Ashton" I am tired of bending over backwards to keep "family" in my life that don't value me. I've been learning that I am valuable. I am deserving of consideration and respect. The "family" I've cut off are so disrespectful and they don't value me. I think it's because ALL OF THEM have immensely low self-esteem! They can't love me properly because they don't love themselves. I'm ok with that, I accept it. I also have no desire to communicate with them about how I'm feeling because I don't think it's going to help.....they completely disregard my feelings and find a way to flip situations to where "it's MY FAULT, I feel this way". It's cool, fine, so that's why I decided to cut them off and they don't even know it (unless they read here).


I'm still working on BossyPradaBoots.com and trying to expand. It's working because my latest videos, since re-branding, were a hit! That makes me antsy because I have another video to post in 2 days and I just hope it measures up!


Spiritually, I don't know what kind of space I'm in. I feel confused because things haven't been working out like I expected. I think it's because I'm in another realm. Let me explain: so the last post I think, it was a New Moon Solar eclipse in Cancer. That, I believe, was a portal to manifesting your best life. So after that we had ANOTHER New Moon in Cancer.....and I believe that, that was the the TRUE PORTAL to living your best life. You see, the one with the solar eclipse, I think was for practice and the second New Moon in Cancer was the real deal. The last time I felt spiritually solid was when I last posted on June 24th. Ever since, I've been in limbo. I'm kind of surrendering to whatever happens because this is an entirely new experience in my life.


Emotionally, I feel sad. No....I feel depressed, like God has forgotten me.


That's all.

Day 365-463

 November 19, 2020

Nearly 3 months later! 98 days of changes.


Let me start off by saying that LIFE IS GREAT! Since the last post I went travelling the entire month of September with my podcast Viva La Life! That was such an eye opening experience and I would love to do more projects like that in the future. My career life is going well! I have multiple jobs now and plus I start school soon in the Winter. I want to be versatile so that's why I'm getting another degree in Nursing.


Ok now for the tea....my marriage is over! I feel relieved but also sad. I'm sad because I feel like a dumb bitch that has poor choices in men. However! The silver lining is that this marriage has helped me see my worth. I now know that I AM valuable and I deserve to have someone that'll treat me that way. I deserve to have someone that speaks life into me and pours love into me. Am I looking for a NEW relationship? Not really. But my heart is open to the "right one". 


For now I've been focusing on being a better parent, my career, and self-care. I also moved back to LA near my family. I've always had my beefs with them because of my childhood but this NEW experience has shown me how much they truly do love me. It feels good. Feels good to be loved. 


I am grateful that I continued on my path of spirituality because everything DID level out. I manifested the life I've always wanted. As soon as I let go of the "idea of a perfect life" and started allowing the Universe to work it's magic in my favor, I began seeing how great life really is.


Until next time!

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